Motherhood

Honestly…

So, I’ll be honest.  I have got nothing to give.  Today, I have been faced with my daughter acting as a mirror to my own acts and words…”STOP IT!  YOU don’t DO that!”  She’ll say that and scrunch her face up and turn and stomp away.  Is that how she sees me?  Should I always say “Please…” when I correct her so it doesn’t come back to haunt me?  I’ll be honest, I cannot handle that kind of an ongoing reflection every day.  My own mind keeps plenty of vivid records of my wrongs.  This double dose is wearing on my soul.

As I write that, my throat is swelling and tears are welling…My soul.  What a state it is in.  Wrestling with doubt, shame, and confusion…it is so exhausting.  And now I know.  Now I know why when I asked Jesus this morning what He wanted to say to my soul, He said, “Rest easy, dear heart.  I am for you, not against you.”

Since I don’t really know how to tie this all in a nice bow and send it off into the internet, I am going to end my soapbox moment with a prayer.

Yahweh, I need you.  Oh I need you.  You know me so well.  So much better than I know myself.  You love me, better than I love myself.  You AREN’T keeping a record of my wrongs.  Hear that, soul?  He isn’t.  He is patient.  He is kind.  He doesn’t envy, boast, and isn’t proud.  He is the humble king.  You are my humble king, Jesus.  And I crown you in this heart of mine…the one that thinks it has to make all of the decisions.  I leave them in your mighty hands, mighty one.  I trust you.  That is quite literally ALL I can do right now.  And I am okay with that.  I love you, Lord.  Please keep showing me Your love for me.  That’s all for now.  Love, me.

 

P.S. If you can relate at all, this little video gave me comfort…”Hang onto your joy and don’t let it go.”

Kathie Lee Gifford

 

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