My house is quiet and dark. The kids are asleep after a long day of zoo animals, cousins, and a lot of teething. My son’s clothes were soaked. Today was his first ride in the stroller without the car seat. He looked so small and yet so happy!
I try not to think about the passing of time and missing moments. Surprisingly, with our boy, I have not had to try to hard. I simply look forward to each stage as it is happening and getting to know him more, and that outweighs the desire to stop the clock.
My daughter turned 3 today. We celebrated two days ago, but it didn’t feel fully real until today. She has been my pride and joy. She lights up a room with her laugh- interrupts church services with it often! She is smart as a whip and full of heart as well. Every day, I wonder if we will lose her because you worry about things like that when you have the most valuable treasure on earth.
What has been blowing me away and comforting my soul lately is when she comes out with the most sincere or profound things. Last week, when I was struggling intensely with fear from a movie I had watched and being alone at night (laugh if you will), I had to sing to her to calm her fears. As I did so, she started to tell me how God had made her, her Daddy, her brother, and me. God has also crushed Satan. It was so out of the blue that it felt as though God was speaking to me through her. One of many times. She has also been in the habit of hugging us lately and telling us we are the “bestest Mommy/Daddy in the whole world” (we try to ignore how it sounds remarkably similar to baddest…it’s the thought that counts). She even likes to tell me she loves me “to the sun and moon and back”. Awww.
Partly because of my fear driving me and partly because of the joy beckoning me, I am enjoying the days…the moments. Honestly, fear never really made me into a better person. It is the source of so much of my anger and short-tempered flareups. It’s a cruel taskmaster. But joy…Joy allows me to relax. It tells me, “really? Isn’t this moment in the grass the goal?” The checklist is insatiable. It gets my attention because…because I forgot why. Better quality of life? To feel comparable in the world of adulthood, wifehood, motherhood…? Thank God that Joy interrupts, brings me into the moment, my hand into hers, my lips to his tiny forehead… And fear? Fear can just eat every paranoid word, because it drove me here into the arms of joy. Ever the intention of a Heavenly Father- to make the bad into beautiful every day.